that thesis thing

Well for the past 6 months or so I had been 'developing' an undergrad thesis project. It was just mulling in my head. I did not suspect that it would be far too ambitious (although my senses had warned me about ambitiousness for other topics...). The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

The proposals are due this week. Of course, I haven't really done much serious thought on them. Well, I did put together a proposal for this other thing last week, and I was just going to use that as the thesis proposal, but that would be a serious affront to the professors that would have to read such dribble.

I was thinking about the thesis...not necessarily the thesis itself, but its psychological context. We all know what kind of double consciousness adoptees live in. I've written that I'm much more fortunate than, say, Jane Trenka because I grew up in a diverse community. Yet the concept still applies to me, and its manifested itself in my desire to write this...thingy. On the one hand, I've become more aware of the adoptee community and I want to contribute to it. Except I've only just realized that within the confines of undergraduateness, this is impossible. Perhaps I was just deluding myself? And then on the other hand, as a success-driven, over-achieving, the-only-thing-that-matters-is-that-I-achieve typical millennial (you like how I always link to wiki?), writing a thesis on something as niche and not-related-to-my-immediate-financial-future as the Korean adoptee community is decidedly stupid. How do I reconcile the two?

Well, I think writing a thesis is invaluable experience (I do plan to pursue a PhD in the foreseeable future), so I can whip up a proposal on other work I've been doing for a while. I see my undergrad academic life being split into two categories: first, there's education. I've done field work in schools, I'm a TA at an elementary school, I do an internship at a school-related thing - I've invested a lot of time in education. Second, there's the whole Korean adoptee thing, which is based a lot more on really abstract theory. It's interesting...but it's only a product of the nascent double consciousness thing. I've been trying to find a way to compromise - try to relate the adoptee thing to something pragmatic, concrete, real, but it's so hard. I just can't do it, I admit it. So I'll do a thesis on education somethingorother. What I had to come to terms to was that I couldn't do a thesis on something I invested so much in. It was really disappointing.

I think that's it.